Helping Too Much? 7 Tips to Stop Enabling Others
Have you ever been in a scenario where, despite your best efforts to assist someone, things continued to go wrong for them? If that’s the case, you might have supported the other individual.
You might be enabling whenever you’re trying to help someone, but your actions are, instead, exacerbating the issues.
Sample Scenario
Your friend and co-worker, Sally, has been drinking a little more than usual. Lately, she’s coming in late to work and asking you to cover for her. When the supervisor asks you where Sally is, you say, “She went to Human Resources to ask a question. She should be right back.”
After work, you all go for drinks together. Sally doesn’t have any money, so you offer to buy her beverages, and she accepts.
Later that evening, Sally admitted she still needed to finish her chapter of a report due tomorrow. Sally asks if you’ll spend her partially completed paper. Although you’re tired and would instead go home and relax, you agree to take the report home and type it up before tomorrow morning.
Unfortunately, even if you are okay with offering your consistent aid, your efforts ensure that Sally can take responsibility for her actions.
The Solution
What can you do to break the cycle of enabling someone you care about?
Follow these helpful tips:
Stop. Even though it’s your friend or loved one, picking up the slack for them is not helping them get better.
Instead, observe. Rather than being so quick to jump in and offer help, sit back and watch what happens. Notice patterns in the person’s behaviors.
Listen. A good friend listens attentively. Stay informed by hearing how your friend or loved one feels. Consider attending an actual act of caring.
Allow opportunity for your loved one to figure things out for themselves. Keep in mind that when you jump in and spontaneously offer your assistance all the time, the individual is robbed of opportunities to learn to resolve their challenges.
Decline any direct requests for help. Recognize that your continued efforts to pick up the slack are setting up your friend or loved one for a significant fall later. Accept that it’s better if it happens sooner – when the situation isn’t so far out of hand – than last.
Using the example above regarding Sally asking for your help with her report, you could say something like, “Oh, I’m so sorry, but I can’t finish your report. I must pick up my daughter and do the laundry when I get home.” Then say nothing else.
Recognize it’s not your job to fix their troublesome situations. When you decline to help, you’re silently placing the issue back squarely on their shoulders where it belongs. Remember, it’s not your situation; it belongs to them.
Disengage emotionally from the person. Once you understand what you’re doing, you’ll be better able to remain outside of your friend’s troubling events. Think of your friend and their issues as a tornado. Then, decide to stay out of the whirlwind.
You’ll no longer allow yourself to get “sucked in” to your friend or loved one’s current crisis. You can still be their friend or confidante and spend time with them if you choose. But you’ll avoid being pulled into the fray of your friend’s ongoing drama.
When you disengage emotionally, applying all the above strategies is much easier.
As your loved one’s world becomes more overwhelming, it will encourage them to seek more direct assistance in resolving their underlying issues. If you believe you’re caught up in the cycle of helping a friend or loved one too much, step back and examine your relationship with the person. Then, apply the strategies above to stop enabling their self-destructive behaviors.
