by Stefany J. Jones on Thursday, July 14, 2020, at 11:00 am
I know it’s been three days since my last post, but when I tell you I’ve been working entirely around the clock, it would be no exaggeration. I wrote another book (although it’s not finished now that I’ve decided to bring in two co-authors), I started a new ministry initiative and WHOA buddy the things that have just been going on.
I am completely humbled and enamored by the few lives that I seemingly have been able to touch with my words. To be honest, I just speak what’s on my heart and in my spirit to talk. And truth be told it’s gotten me into more trouble than not. I am grateful that God is using me, and I only hope that this time around I don’t fail Him, I make Him proud.
This whole MINISTRY thing is NO JOKE. You’ve got EVERYONE watching your EVERY move, listening to your EVERY word, and holding on to EVERYTHING you do. I am a perfectionist by nature, and a critically analyzing Virgo, which compounded by my self-imposed pressures felt by religious doctrines and leadership expectations, only makes matters worse. I had had this crazy need to LIVE UP TO expectations, starting with my parents, when I was married, my husband, my bosses at work, my children, those to whom I minister, … if you can name it just add it to the list. Historically I grew up with the issue of low self-esteem, which breeds an adult who becomes a people pleaser without the courage to say NO.
As I am progressing into the next level of my life and the scope of my ministry is being enlarged, I want to be very careful not to enter into this phase with the same mindset I used to have in times past. I know that I’ve never felt comfortable with the RESTRICTIONS or UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS of being CALLED if you will. Not to say that the WORD of GOD and how we should live isn’t the ideal instruction for practice, but there is a certain judgmentalism that comes along with it, and I believe a lack of understanding towards the “human-ness” if you will know of those of us who are members of the ELECT.
While I can assuredly say that I can’t live my life as a heathen and make this profession of faith, I can say that to have a PERFECT WALK is something that even striving for brings pressure and shame when you fall short. This time around, I think I’ll just be true to myself and who I am. I won’t look to justify any sins that I may or may not commit, but admit that only through GOD’s grace and mercy could I ever live with being NON-PERFECT. I will continue to surrender to the will of GOD for my life, understanding that the process is a perfecting process wherein the end I will hopefully come to a place where who I am is sufficient for us both (me and Father).
I am learning that talking the talk is so that you can strengthen your ability to walk the walk. I am learning that I don’t have an original thought and that GOD in me has proposed everything in me, including my likes, dislikes, desires, and passions. I will not allow the guilt measures or brow-beating of religious dogma to convince me that loving my NEO-SOUL and R&B LOVE BALLADS is sinful, as is my joy of enjoying quiet jazz, lounge experiences, and concerts with music and vibrations of love flowing between the artist and the crowd. I know that I have to own WHO I AM and WHOSE I AM made me WHAT I AM and everything I like so that can’t be wrong.
Maybe just maybe this pressure I’ve put on myself to be perfect instead of perfected has been the very block to realizing the one and the whole thing about this calling, this destiny, and this life in relationship with God and fellowship with my brothers and sisters…Maybe just maybe this pressure I’ve allowed others to impose upon me that I try desperately to live up to and through is the very mountain that has been impossible for me to climb because it was never meant to be climbed, only passed by… Maybe just maybe I’ll silence the voices of those who want to criticize every little step I take and live in the vibration of those who know what love is, understand the power of what it does to another living soul, and just enjoy the fuel of that instead…
Maybe just maybe I’ll go ahead and let go of all the “STUFF” (mine and other people’s I’ve foolishly accepted and taken on as my own) and just WALK THIS WAY.