His story doesn’t add up. His behavior doesn’t line up with his words. He won’t give her the answer she wants or the closure she needs. It is senseless to try to connect dots that aren’t on the page or put together a puzzle with pieces that don’t fit. Yet, so many women put their lives on hold or stay in relationships longer than they should, trying to make sense out of nonsense.
A recovering sometimes relapsing codependent myself, I can tell you why. The real question can’t be answered with a magnifying glass or demanding answers. The real question has nothing to do with him. The real question is about you. Getting answers is about your own absolution. This is the crux of codependency.
It is no longer limited to drug and alcohol enabling. It has reinvented itself and is garnering a devout following of articulate, successful, attractive and smart women who find themselves floundering around in emotional quicksand. The new codependency is the senseless attempt to make sense out of nonsense.
“I know I’m a good woman,” they say loud and proud to high five’s and fist bumps and toasts. At first, it feels like they are earning their way out of the nonsense. But when they go home, doubts and fears gnaw at their resolve. You’d think having support would be enough. But not for the codependent. Their quest for absolution can lead them right back to that quicksand and, despite the objections of all around, they jump back in. This is why some women find themselves 10, 20 and 30 years with someone they should have left a long time ago.
Sadly, this kept me stuck even post legal separation and divorce. My inner jury was still out about my worthiness. This is why my ex was able to insinuate himself back into my life. He held the key to my vulnerability and I never changed the lock.
So how do we stop the senselessness?
One of the youngest attendees at an all woman’s retreat gave one of the best answers I’ve ever heard. She said, “When the words don’t add up, the truth was never in the equation.” Put away your magnifying glass. Put away your tools. Accept that no further assembly is required. In the words of Wendy Williams, tell your hypervigilance to “take several seats!”
Secondly, stop letting his “no” stop you from finding your own “yes.” You are responsible for your own happiness and your own closure. No one else. He has to awaken in his own time and of his own accord. When you are tempted to try to figure him out, ask yourself, “How can I give myself what I need to be okay?” This is the only sense that makes sense.