I remember for years and years; I had feelings of wanting my ex-husband to suffer and ‘pay’ for all the hurts, pains, and things that went wrong in our marriage.
I remember being consumed with secret thoughts of “one day he’s going to get his” and “God doesn’t like ugly” and “one day he’ll regret….”.
The sad part is that while all of the things I spoke would eventually come to pass, Stefany, the woman of today, if she had it to do all over again, would never wish anyone item terrible on him. It hurts my feelings to remember the hurt I wanted on him.
In retrospect, I know it was because of all of the pain and anguish I suffered and endured as a part of the ‘abusive wife syndrome.’ In my mind, he was a monster, and in my heart, I knew I once loved this monster.
I think I was angrier with myself for not being a better judge of character, or for being so needy and foolish, or simply frustrated with myself for not realizing that I deserved so much more, and I was so much better than that.
That was the source of my bitterness – self-hate, and self-disgust.
Now don’t get me wrong. Everything that he could do wrong was done. I will not make excuses for any of the behaviors that he participated in that were inhumane.
However, I will tell you that I DO NOT BLAME HIM PERSONALLY. Not only did he not have a clue on how to love, but truth be told, he had his childhood and young adulthood baggage to contend with, and his character and personality were positive proof remnants of dysfunction… as were mine.
I can honestly say that the world is cyclical, and what goes around comes around. I do know that what we do to others will come back to haunt us but only as a means of teaching us how to be and do better.
My ex-husband has a lot of regrets and confesses them now willfully and unapologetically. The funny thing is the only thing I ever wanted to hear was, “I’m SORRY I DID THAT TO YOU.”
And while he is far from perfect, and I still trust him only, but so much, I see the growth in him as a person as I have grown. I wish him no ill, only good things – in fact, great stuff. I want him to be happy and high. I want his life to be fulfilled and blessed.
When we wish ill on others, it takes away from our joy. When we don’t let go of the pains of our past, it takes up room in a vessel that would otherwise have more love. Our harboring of resentment slows down our progress. I realized that by not letting go of the regrets, I was standing in my way of progression.
So now, I can wholeheartedly say that we can have a conversation that lasts 10 minutes instead of 5 (and no, we can’t go beyond ten yet LOL), and we can discuss the children and that be it. We are cordial and respectful. We don’t yell, scream, or fuss anymore. And I don’t have to tell you but OH WHAT A RELIEF THAT IS!!