actual stress

This past couple of months have taken their toll on me. I’ve been through a lot of changes since January 2009.

I got engaged in January, our children had their first meeting with each other in February, I had a major celebrated event in March, my aunt who lived with me all my life died the day I started law school at the beginning of April at 58 (and no one expected it), her funeral was a week later and I had to produce all of the “written” work and paraphernalia … oh and that funeral was just two days before the twins’ 16th birthday bash that was in the planning for a year, I went out on FMLA from my day job in May, I had no income for June and quit law school.

Here it is July, and I am preparing to return to work and having my wedding in August. I turn 40 in September; I can only imagine what October, November, and December have in store… I only pray that whatever it is, HE continues to give me the strength to endure.

Now, through all of this I’ve had to maintain a radio broadcast, edits, and re-writes of the books, strategic planning of the brand, hiring of new key staff members, be AAU basketball mom for two who play for three different teams on different days in different locations, keep and maintain the house, home-cooked meals (YES I make home-cooked meals for the children), laundry, bill payments, the youngest child in track, teenagers on hormone overdrive, and oh yes, the party is always over here…. entertain a host of young teens who is enjoying their summer vacation.

Yet and still, I manage to have somehow a body alarm clock that wakes me between 4:30 a,m, and 5:00 am every morning so that I have time alone with Father. And the in-between time I try to do the reading (scripture-based, of course) throughout the day, maintain healthy friendships and relationship, lend ears and hands to those in need — and yet still can’t seem to lick this thing called STRESS.

I am beginning to realize why there aren’t enough hours in the day for me. It is because there aren’t enough NO’s coming from my mouth and not enough OK THAT’s IT registering to my brain.

Actual stress comes from fear, plain and simple. Fear of not being able, to be honest with yourself or others about what you can and cannot do, what drives and thrives you, what brings you pain, and traveling tears in the wee hours of the morning.

Actual stress comes from me not wanting to hurt another’s feelings, so grinning and bearing it takes its place, and I end up burning my own instead and living with the pains of my decisions.

So I pray more, attempt to have more faith, and try to live the words that Father puts in this head of mine, and believe me, it’s tough. I somehow feel that once I’ve been successful in putting my children through college — then I will have the opportunity to go back and dream as the child I never knew could imagine, and be all the things I never knew I could be. Then there will be no stress, just freedom.