love and forgiveness


Love and forgiveness are two of the strongest human emotions. You can’t have love and not forgive and likewise you will not forgive unless you love unconditionally.

Love and forgiveness is a powerful thing. The first step to forgiving another is forgiving yourself for any wrong doing you have yet to come to terms with or resolve. There’s a saying that when one knows better, one does better. It is imperative that a person forgive themself for actions taken and decisions made prior to their not knowing.

Once I turned 40 years old, I measured my life and found comparability to being in the wilderness for 40 years (old biblical story that makes a lot of sense for me in today’s time in my personal life). That is when the wake-up call in my life hit me, something about those 40’s. In my 20’s, which was about twenty years prior to the light bulb experience, I was living the misconception that my life was good. Believe me it was anything but.

I had to deal with rejection which started at birth when I was placed for adoption. I found myself in and out of toxic relationships as a result of abandonment issues and my not having the love of a father that only the presence of one brings. My dad passed away and wasn’t able to love his little girl.

Growing up without that fatherly love I yearned for and wanted so badly, made me look for relationships that were characteristic of a father-daughter relationship. I longed to have someone who I knew would consistently be there when I needed him to be, providing for me and taking care of me, being a protector and loving me.

In addition to my troubled past, I was psychologically dealing with being touched and mishandled by boys and men, because they felt privileged to so. I felt powerless because of this insatiable desire I had to be loved.

Growing up I mistakingly allowed myself to be used for sexual favors, all in the name of being the “girlfriend”, but in my heart of hearts I really wasn’t the girlfriend, I was the hit it and quit it girl. Why did I accept the negative behavior? Why did I settle for a relationship with a man for 20 years who got married to another women while I lived under his roof with our one year old son? Why did I allow him to control my life only to almost lose my mind behind the whole thing? I’ll tell you why… because I had not learned the benefits of crossing the bridge to the un-matched love I had always longed for, the love that first had to start from within… the love that only began its bloom the moment I let my past go and forgave myself.